Letters to my dear Sirius
by Phanael
Summary: Sirius finds some letters, Remus wrote to him, while he was in Azkaban and is deeply moved by them. slash, of course. nothing too graphic. Sirius x Remus, please RR, one shot!


Disclaimer: Not mine...

Notes: I got this idea when I went to sleep yesterday and listened to Gary Moore's "Over the hills and far away" (also covered by nightwish).

There is a line that says:

Each night within his prison cell

He looks out through the bars

He reads the letters that she wrote

One day he'll know the taste of freedom…

This song always reminds me of Sirius and so the idea for this story was born.

Letters My Dear Sirius 

In Sirius' head phrases of Remus' letters were flying around, while he held the letters in a shivering hand:

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My dear Sirius 

_I can't believe it. It wasn't you! I know! You did not betray Lily and James, you did not betray ME! You told me you loved me, you SHOWED me. I believe in you. I still do, I do, Sirius. I DO love you. I always will._

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_I think it was Peter! I'm so sure. He acted strange since our last year at Hogwarts. It had to be him. They tell me it was you. But you could never have betrayed James. You loved him like your brother. I know for I know you better than you do yourself. I know you better than anybody else in this world. _

_Why do they insist it was you? I know it was Peter. It was a trick, he fooled the whole wizarding world, like you never could._

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_My beloved Sirius, Padfoot_

_I miss you so much. Now it is 3 years since they imprisoned you and it still hurts like hell. There are days I can't eat, I hardly can breathe for I miss you so much and it hurts. Today I did not leave my bed. I do not want to see anyone. I want to see you. I still have your pillow and it still smells like you. It smells like the nights when you held me in your arms, smells like the nights you made love to me_

The ink of this letter is blurred, like tears had splashed on the parchment. It nearly breaks Sirius' heart

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_Please, don't give up, you will be back in my arms, I know. I know you will kiss me again and everything will be all right. Gods, Sirius, you don't believe how much I miss you. It's been 6 years now and the image of you is always with me. I can't stand it sometimes, for I see you in your prison cell, miserable and alone, even worse than me. But please, Sirius, don't forget I love you with all my heart and I wait for you_

_Always yours, Remus_

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_I have talked to Hagrid today. He had been in Azkaban only for a few days. He was striken with terror and I nearly broke down crying in front of him. He has been there a few days, but you for the last 11 years. Sirius, I'm so afraid. What do they do to you? I can't stand it. I need you, I love you!_

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_Today was the worst day ever. I woke up after such a vivid dream of you. We were at Hogwarts again and you held me in your arms, telling me that everything was alright, kissing my hair like you always did. In this comforting way I used to love so damn much! It felt so real, it was like you really were there with me._

_When I woke up and realized I was alone I cried. I couldn't stop, it hurt so much. I got out of bed and went into the bathroom where I keep my razorblades. Gods, Sirius, I nearly did it! I nearly killed myself today! There was a small line of blood already, but your beautiful face came up in my head. I have to stay alive, you will come back, I know. I refuse to imagine a life without you. I refuse!!!_

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_I didn't believe my eyes when I saw a picture of you in the Daily Prophet. Baby, you escaped from Azkaban! I knew you were clever enough! Please, Padfoot, please! Be ever so careful, there are wanted posters of you everywhere. I don't mind though. Everywhere I can see your face, my handsome one!_

_I know this look on our face. Like a puppy beaten with a stick! I know how Padfoot would look like in a moment like this: tail between his hind legs and his head bent to the floor. I miss you. Gods, how I ache when I see this picture. But nevertheless it's you! Please be careful, don't let them catch you again!_

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_Sirius, I received a letter from Dumbledore! He told me to come to Hogwarts and teach Defence against the Dark Arts. Oh, I so look forward to this job! But I'm also afraid to go back to the school, to the place we've all been so happy. The place where you first kissed me, first told me you loved me and first showed me._

_Although I'm afraid I will go! I will be a teacher, Sirius! Can you imagine? Me? The werewolf? For the first time in years I feel needed._

_:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:_

_Today I have met Harry. Harry Potter, your Godson and son of our beloved friend James. He looks so much like his father, I nearly called him James… and he also is strong and handsome and courageous. He really is a Gryffindor! _

_And he plays Quidditsch like you and James. He plays it with all his heart, a seeker like his father… _

_You would love to see him!_

_:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:_

_My beloved Sirius_

_Tonight's transformation was so strange. I went into the shrieking shack, but I felt so damn alone. I missed you and our companions so much. I missed Padfoot by my side, licking my neck in such a loving way, I missed Prongs with his strong personality. It was strange and yet so familiar…_

_:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:_

_Sirius! I have seen Scabbers! It's the rat of Harry's friend Ron! It is Peter, I'm more than sure! It's him! He lives! It was a trick, I knew. I knew all the time! Please come back to me! I need you so much! I'm also afraid. Will you still love me? Have you forgotten in your prison cell?_

_:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:_

How could he have forgotten? The man he loved so much was always in his mind! It was the only thing that had kept Sirius sane in Azkaban.

He heard a small gasp coming from the direction of the bathroom door.

Remus stood there in his bathrobe and looked at him in a strange way, like he was afraid.

He saw Sirius on their bed, around him so many sheets of parchment. Remus knew those letters, he himself had written them but never had the nerve to try to send them to Azkaban. They would have come back anyways…

Sirius sat there, trembling like a leaf and tears streaming freely down over his handsome face.

"I never wanted you to find these letters.", Remus murmured and came another step towards the bed.

"Why, Remus? Why not? I never knew you suffered so much, my dear, my beloved Moony. Come to me, handsome!", he said and patted the bed next to him. Slowly Remus walked towards the bed, staring at the letters like in trance.

"You found them and read them…", he stated the obvious.

"Yes, I read them. My name was on the envelopes.", he reached a hand out towards his lover, he wanted to embrace him now, more than ever. He felt so responsible for the pain he had caused the man. But Remus never moved, he just stood there, vulnerable and confused.

"I never wanted you to read them. I thought it was all over…"

"Yes, it is over. All is over, we're together at last.", Sirius sat up at the bed and kneeled in front of Remus, looking up questioningly at his scarred face.

Another tear escaped Sirius' eyes and ran over his face, following the others towards his neck and chest. "I never knew you tried to kill yourself, my love…", he took Remus' arm and looked at his wrist where a small cut indicated the unsuccessful try. Gently his lips trailed the scar. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to scare you, Sirius. Never!", Remus whispered but shivered involuntarily when he felt those soft lips on his arm. "You felt so miserable and all I wanted was to see you smile."

Sirius' gaze wandered towards a still closed letter. It was not white like the others, but had a darker shade, like grey or brown, he couldn't quite tell. "What is this, Remus?" The werewolf started, when he saw the letter.  
"I thought I threw it into a fire last winter…", he whispered, going pale.

Sirius grabbed the letter and opened it with trembling fingers. Remus tried to say something, but Sirius' tearful gaze stopped him. His long fingers opened the envelope and his eyes wandered over the letter.

My dear Sirius, my beloved one! 

_You died! In the ministry, when you fought Bellatrix she killed you! I thought my heart would stop the moment you vanished behind the veil. I thought I'd die, too. I never knew it would hurt that much. The years alone, while you were in Azkaban seemed like hell to me. But this is something deeper, darker and I fear a life without you! _

_I simply can't go on! I can't Sirius…_

_I once tried to cut my wrist. Now I need to do it, for I can't stand the thought of your death. _

_Either I will do it or this terrible thought of being alone and miserable here without you will kill me… and I want to be with you!_

_The sooner I have the nerve to do it, the sooner I will be with you._

_Please forgive me for my weakness. I simply can't go on without you. I'll follow you!_

_I love you!_

Forever yours, Remus 

When he had finished reading Sirius took an unsteady breath and closed his eyes, but he couldn't avoid the tears flowing down his face again. He was shaking all over, his heartbeat like a drum and his blood pounding in his ears. When his face came up towards Remus he wasn't able to open his eyes. Tears would drown him, he thought.

"What made you NOT do it?", he asked. "Whatever, whoever it was, I will always be thankful!", he added. "Gods, Remus, you wanted to end your life for a good for nothing like me!"

Now he opened his eyes and saw Remus. "Moony…", the man stood in front of the bed, shivering, tears in his eyes but smiling.

"It was you, Sirius. You came back, ten minutes, after I wrote this letter. I wrote it the day, Dumbledore helped to bring you back. he did not tell me, he did not want to give me hope, when he was not sure his plan would work.", Remus replied. "It was close…", his voice left him.

With slow deliberate movements, Moony opened his bath robe and let it glide to the floor, where it lay forgotten. With one swift brush, he let the letters fall to the floor and knelt above Sirius who was kneeling on their bed. Slowly his fingers went to Sirius' loose shirt and opened it, took it off his lovers well muscled body.

Sirius trembled, enjoyed Remus' fingers on his skin.

He thought of the day he had come back. It was like coming back from… nothing. He didn't remember anything. One moment there had been Bellatrix and in the next he saw Dumbledores old, but kind face. When he burst in through the front door of Remus' house he had been confused and what if he had found his lover dead, his wrists cut and… he would have died right next to him from a broken heart.

"Moony… Moony, I'm so glad I made it in time.", he whispered his lovers name again and again and again. "I love you so much, Remus!" gently he laid back onto the mattress, pulling Remus down with him, while placing a soft kiss on his lips.

Remus caught his lips, stroked them with his gently tongue and pleaded entrance which Sirius was more than willing to give. At first Moonys tongue explored him gently, stroked him but he grew more forceful, taking advantage of Sirius lying beneath him and let his hands glide over his naked chest.

Muffled cries of pleasure escaped Sirius' lips and went straight into Remus' mouth. He loved this. He simply adored how gentle Sirius could be, how he squirmed beneath Remus' lips and hands, whenever the man touched one of his sensitive spots. And he knew these spots so well…

Sirius loved to be touched at his sides, when Remus played soft, senseless patterns on his skin, while nibbled at his neck, near his ear and shoulder. He did so.

Sirius loved it when Remus knelt above him, his knee resting between his legs, teasingly wandering higher until he nearly touched Sirius between his legs.

Sirius loved when Remus laid his head on his chest, his ear searching for his heartbeat, listening until he was sure Sirius was alive and with him.

When Remus did so this time, Sirius' hands came up and his fingers entwined in his lovers hair, light brown, soft, with some strands of grey. Not much though, but it was highlighting his hair in a way that made it look like gold and silver.

After some time of just lying there, Sirius took Remus' shoulders and gently pressed him into the pillows so that he would lie above him, looking down into those amber eyes that were like a treasure to him. He laid his forehead onto Remus' and inhaled deeply, the scent of his lover highlighting his senses and making him even harder than Remus' ministrations.

Gently he let his finger wipe away the tears that were still on Remus' face and he bent down to kiss those wicked red lips. Their kisses grew deeper, harder and more desperate, he needed to show Remus that he was still there, that he was still alive and that he loved him. And how much he loved Remus!

A soft cry of pleasure escaped Remus' lips, when he felt Sirius inside of him and yes, the man felt so good, so right, so alive! It was all Remus needed now and he slung his arms around Sirius to press him closer to his body, shivering, panting and enjoying his gentle movements.

The animagus took him in a loving way, slow and deliberate, bathing in the sight of Remus who looked up into his face with love and passion, his eyes deep and dark with desire.

"I love you!", Sirius breathed and it was too much for Remus. He shivered and then relaxed in Sirius arms.

When they lay together in each others arms afterwards, Remus had his book in his hands, reading, while Sirius lay behind him, his arms strongly wrapped around his lover, his lips never leaving Moony's neck, kissing him there and inhaling the scent of the man he loved so much.

"You should have showed me the letters.", Sirius said after a while.

"I know and I regret now. But it was all over and I never wanted to think about the time I was aloe again. It is over now, you're here with me and we're safe. War is over, Harry sleeps in this very house, safely with his godfather. Everything is all right, Sirius.", Remus told him.

Another soft kiss on his neck.

"Believe me, Moony. I'll always be there for you. For you, my love, and for Harry.", he told him and something in Sirius' voice made Remus sure that he was right.

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_Please review!_

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Phew…. This took me some time. Well… only one day, but now it's already late and I should go to bed. But I think I couldn't sleep if I hadn't finished it now…

I liked the idea so much and I hope I was able to express the feeling behind it. I know I could get better, I'm trying to improve my English, promise;;


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